Little Red Hunting Cap
by Chess
Summary: The story of Little Red Riding Hood written in the style of Holden Caulfield of Catcher in the Rye. PG-13 for language.


Disclaimer: J. D. Salinger owns The Catcher in the Rye, and I have no idea who owns Little Red Riding Hood. Not me.

A/N: This was an assignment for English class, to rewrite a fairy tale in the style of Holden Caulfield. Mine came out ok, so I decided to post it. The title had to reflect the fairy tale and Catcher in the Rye.

Once upon a time. . . Never mind. That's a goddam stupid way to start. It sounds so phony. So I'm just going to tell it to you. My name is Little Red Riding Hood. I know it's a really crumby name, but it's not like I could name myself or anything. I heard about this guy who lived in a village near here who didn't like his name, so he changed it and all. It's probably not true.

Anyway, I'm named after this red hood I always wear. It's kind of stupid, but my grandmother gave it to me and all, and she's really a great lady, no kidding. I mean, you'd really like her if you knew her. I wish you could have seen her back before she got sick.

The other day I was hanging around, just shooting the crap with my family, if you want to know, which isn't really very great, because my father is really very phony. He doesn't really care about us, if you want to know the truth. But that's not the point.

My mother looked at me all of a sudden and told me that I had to go and take some cake and wine to my grandmother. WINE, so Crissake! What sort of sick sonuvabitch ever thought it would be a good idea to drink wine when you're sick? Actually, it usually makes me feel a little better.

So I started off towards my grandmother's house, feeling a little lousy and kind of depressed because she's old and all. Seeing old people always kind of depresses you, even if you really like the person.

I was walking through these extremely think woods when all of a sudden this wolf comes up. A goddam WOLF, for Chrissake! He wanted to know where I was going, so very politely and all I told him, "I'm going to my grandmother's house."

I figured he was some sort of goddam pervert or something, but you have to be nice to that kind of person, even if it's kind of phony nice. It confuses them.

So anyway, he was trying to be terrifically suave and all, and kept on asking me all these questions. Eventually he just went away, and I was feeling extremely depressed by then, so I thought I might pick some flowers for my grandmother. She's a nice old lady, really, and since she wasn't feeling so good I thought she might like them. I don't know why that occurred to me, honestly.

So I went and picked flowers, but eventually I started feeling sort of sick, so I just ran like a madman as fast as I could toward that house. I don't know why I did that, honestly. I just got a real sick feeling, like I was going to DIE or something, for Chrissake!

When I got to my grandmother's house I went in, feeling worse than ever. My grandmother was right there, no kidding, but she looked extremely strange. I asked her why she looked like that and she gave me these really phony answers, but it just about killed me. She could really horse around when she felt like it. I noticed that her teeth were very large, and so I asked, all casual, and she suddenly says, "The better to eat you with!" Now I felt even sicker, because I realized that that old wolf had _eat_en my grandmother, and put on her goddam clothes!

Now that old wolf jumped right on me and ate me, for God's sake. I didn't feel too good then, you can imagine. Well a little later on, when I was feeling very worried and depressed, because something like this happens every time for Chrissake, I heard this voice outside, and pretty soon me and my grandmother got let out of that old wolf by this HUNTER. He was a very crumby looking guy, but he saved us, so I couldn't really be as clever as I would have liked.

Now, that old wolf was still alive, so I went and got some really heavy stones, and I put them in the wolf's gut and all. I felt kind of sick after that, if you want to know the truth. Now I was feeling very lousy so I only stayed for a little while to shoot the crap with my grandmother. This got me very depressed because she looked extremely sick and old, like she'd just eaten rotten berries or something.

After this I decided to go back home, not that I really wanted to, but I had to go back sometime and all. So I went back home, and by the time I got there I sort of remembered that my mother had said something about not going off the path before I went. I guess maybe I should have listened, but I didn't really feel like it. Sometimes I don't feel like doing anything but going off the path, if you want to know.


End file.
